Marginal Thoughts.

Ummm ... Nah. Not tonight.

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... All content copyright 1999-2000 by Nicole Willson. No ripping me off.

5/1 -- Lack of Judgment Day.

(This is another very angsty, self-pitying entry. You don't have to read it. I probably wouldn't bother.)

From my entry of April 26:

"I'm just getting so fed up with random doctors poking me and prodding me and making me stare into weird little lightboxes and wheeling me into MRI machines and sticking IVs in me and drawing blood, and now this. I don't want to take any more pills. I don't feel like reciting the whole history of the optic neuritis ordeal to one more doctor. If I have to fill out one more of those freaking new-patient health history forms, I'm going to scream."

Memo to self: Shut up while you're ahead.

No, the neck MRI didn't turn up a thing. Which is good news. Or rather, it would be good news, if the next diagnostic step weren't a spinal tap.

Ow. Mommy! They're going to be taking fluid out of my spine. The other stuff they've done to me was merely uncomfortable. This really scares me. I don't want people mucking around with my spine! But my neurologist is still searching for early indicators of MS. (If he's looking for anything else, he hasn't told me what it is.) He said that 95% of MS cases would have shown up in the two MRIs I had. It's not likely that the spinal tap (or "lumbar puncture," which sounds even more ominous) will turn up anything either.

So why am I going through with it? I don't even know anymore. The numbness in my right hand hasn't caused even a fraction of the disruption or discomfort that these neverending tests-that-show-nothing's-wrong have wrought on me. What would happen if I just refused to go through with this? If it's not MS, and not carpal tunnel, and nothing else has shown up in the numerous tests and procedures I've had to endure so far, what the hell's the point?

Even more frustrating is the saga of the job I applied for many, many entries ago. I may have mentioned that I'd have to take a screening test first so the HR office could determine if I'm really qualified for the position. I didn't hear anything from HR for a while, and finally contacted someone there to try to find out what was going on, only to hear that the position was "on hold."

I think they put it on hold just to piss me off. "Hm. Nicole's been at work pretty steadily. Let's wait until she starts having to have medical tests and misses all kinds of work again, and then call her about taking the tests."

HR contacted me last Thursday and I scheduled a test for this upcoming Friday, little suspecting that I'd have to take off all of Wednesday to get my spine tapped.

Really, this just couldn't be happening at a worse time.

And I know that somewhere out there are people who are in far, far worse situations than I am, or know and love people who are, and they're probably rolling their eyes at me right now and thinking "Lady, I know people who'd give anything to be where you are. You're not dying; you're perfectly able-bodied; you're employed and you've got great health insurance; and the doctor keeps telling you that nothing's wrong with you. What in the hell are you bitching about?"

Yeah, I know. Intellectually, I know all that. Emotionally, though, I'm frustrated and scared and exasperated. God help me if I ever do develop something really serious, because as small-potatoes as this situation is, I'm about at the end of my rope. I hate the not knowing. I hate going through all these scary tests and getting no definite answers about what's been causing these problems. Yeah, it should be good news whenever the doctors tell you that scans of your brain and neck came up clean, but it begs the question of why I'm having these odd neurological problems. Why'd I lose the vision in my left eye for nearly a month? Why have I lost some of the feeling in my fingers? What's with the vertigo attacks? Something's not fine, goddamnit.

I just hate it all.

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