so, i woke up this morning and mandy had busted the tv.

she gets like that. she swears that if she hears that goddamn commercial with the barking dog one more time she's gonna throw a shoe through the tv set. then that commercial comes on again and bammo! time to call the repairman. he's like a member of the family now.

so there was no tv and everyone in the house had an attitude and it was pissing me off, so i went outside for a swim. and that's when i saw it.

this huge-ass slab of black stone or something, right in our backyard. it was the strangest thing. i thought maybe it was some weird-ass sculpture juliette won off of eBay or something. she does stuff like that. but juliette didn't know what it was either. i went to ask mandy if she'd seen anyone put it in our backyard, but she said to shut up and leave her alone. she was still all mad about the tv, i guess. i thought maybe max had bought a new tombstone for alex's grave. maybe he felt guilty about killing alex. sure he's a dick, but people can change, right?

i stared at the giant slab for a few minutes and i thought i heard this weird humming sound. and then i had a really strong urge to hit max in the head with a bone.

i mean, i always have the urge to hit max in the head. but that whole "with a bone" thing was new. it was freaking me out bigtime.

and then sure enough max came running outside and yelled at us all to get away from it. "that's mine! my monolith! i've been waiting for something like this my whole life! it's mine! leave it alone!" me me me. blah blah blah.

and i was all like "whatEVER, dude." i mean, who the hell wants some stupid giant slab of granite anyway? he's so fucking weird. he gets on my nerves like you wouldn't believe. someone should totally hit him in the head with a bone. or a rock. whatever.

so max spent the whole day staring and staring at his stupid monolith. maybe he thought it was a new tv set. i was swimming out back and all of a sudden max yells real loud. "like, ohmigod, it's full of stars!" i turned around to see what the hell his problem was, and check this out. he was all surrounded by this weird swirling shit and lights and stuff, and he got sucked right up into the sky.

poof. gone. just like that.

i was sooo psyched. no more max. no more bitching and whining. i had everything to myself now. the house. the hot tub. the women. the money. and as i celebrated by the pool i felt like maybe things were going to be different now.

I felt as if my life had a renewed sense of purpose. Perhaps I was meant for greater things than merely lounging around the house, eating and consuming and copulating and waiting to die. I looked to the horizon and it seemed truly endless. My heart swelled with the excitement of the new life I felt stretching out before me. I heard the future. It was calling my name. It was time to make something of myself.

but then a few hours later i heard this big "thud" and max was back. dammit. he staggered around rubbing his head and muttering something about how aliens abducted him.

and if i hadn't seen the whole thing myself, i would have been all like "shyeah, right. as if." i mean, who the hell would want to abduct max? can you imagine being stuck on a stupid little spaceship with the asshole, listening to the nonstop bitching and whining? no wonder the aliens threw him back. who wouldn't? bet that's the last time some ufo comes looking for people around here. heh.

i was gonna say that i hoped the aliens gave him a big, painful rectal probe. don't aliens do shit like that when they abduct people? but the thought of anybody doing anything to max's ass (besides kicking it) makes me want to puke. for real.

so i had a drink instead. what else can you do, really?

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