all content by chad slacker copyright 2001. don't steal, dude.

 

the chad slacker diaries

because living in a house with babes and hot tubs and lots of money isn't as awesome as it sounds...

5/27 -- introduction, and a very tragic memorial day weekend.

picture of chad at computer so, hi. welcome to my diary and all. i'm chad slacker. 24, unemployed.

sometimes i like to pretend i'm on one of those reality TV shows where there are cameras in our house 24 hours a day and people we don't know are watching everything we do and then writing about it on the internet. sometimes I take it a little further and pretend that those people are actually controlling us. it's the only explanation for some of the stuff that goes on around here.

one thing: if you know me in real life, then don't read this journal. i mean it. that means you, max. i know you're probably looking at this. i don't wanna hear about it if you don't like it.

okay? okay. so i've been living here for a few months with my wife mandy and my other housemates juliette, max, and (until today) alex. we don't have jobs. we don't need to. mandy already had lots of money when i married her and moved in. i never asked where she got it. it's none of my business, i figure. as long as it doesn't run out, it's not my problem.

cop in our goddamn bedroomso today got started off on a really screwed note. me and mandy were in bed and all of a sudden i felt like someone was watching, and not in the kinda cool "i'm on reality TV -- whoo!" way that I talked about earlier. i knew that certain sexual practices are still illegal in Virginia, but who the hell knew that the cops would actually, like, come into your damn house and do something about it? $500 fine, dude. that sucked so bad.

i don't get that many chances with mandy these days anyhow. she's moody as hell. so this really pissed me off.

max is a dickand then my asshole housemate max decides he's going to grill hamburgers for breakfast. who in the hell eats hamburgers for breakfast? max, that's who. why? because he's an asshole. he had a little thing going on with mandy before i moved in, and now he hates me. he's so jealous it's pathetic. he's always getting on my case about something. i walk in on him when he's in the bathroom. i leave dishes on the kitchen floor and they draw flies and cockroaches, which he says they never had until i moved in, which i bet is bullshit. i turn on the tv when he's taking a nap. i blew up his potion table. blah blah blah. he really pisses me off.

so this morning we're all like "dude, nobody wants hamburgers for breakfast," but max is all like "well i'm gonna make them anyway and i bet you'll eat them after i make them and you probably won't leave any for me because you never fucking do." whine whine whine.

alex's death sceneand max was probably still half asleep while he was trying to make his stupid breakfast burgers and he caught the goddamn grill on fire. we all ran outside to yell and point so everyone would know where the fire was and not get too close, but it kept spreading. we don't have a fire alarm out back and by the time the fire department got there, alex was burning up. he got stuck in between the grill and the flowerbeds, and he couldn't get out in time. the grim reaper showed up and juliette tried to plead with him to save alex. but death is one cold, hard son of a bitch. don't ever forget that. and just like that, alex was gone.

i couldn't believe it. alex was so cool. how come max couldn't have burned up instead? it was his stupid idea to make freakin' hamburgers for breakfast.

and then max thought he'd be all smart and hire a clown to cheer everyone up because we were all seriously bummed out, and because he probably wanted us to forget that he started the fire that killed alex in the first place.

i fucking hate clownsbad idea. i fucking hate clowns. clowns piss me off. and max still pisses me off, too.

alex is buried out back, right by the grill. we'll think of him whenever we make hamburgers, and we'll mourn. the women have been mourning a lot. every time they come out here it's all "ohhh, nooo, nooo, boo hoo."

and can I tell you a secret? something i'd only ever write in this diary because it's private and all?

i'm mourning too. a lot. i miss alex. i really, really miss alex. um, really. a lot. you get it now? i married mandy just for the big house and the money. there was someone else here i wanted more.

god. life is so unfair sometimes.

i miss alex

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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