How to Be A Really Cool Person on the Metro
The definitive guide.
I know. Rant topics really don't get less original than this one. But it's like this: I'm out in the suburbs now, and I'm a full-time Metro commuter again. Just getting a glimpse of idiocy here and there on the weekends isn't enough; you really have to experience Metro commuting day in and day out to get a full appreciation of how many rude, ignorant boneheads live in this area, and how many of them take the Metro.
As a favorite hobby of D.C. locals is complaining about tourists, and how incredibly stupid they all are, and how much they just totally suck, and how it should basically be legal to push them all off platforms in front of oncoming subway cars, I thought I'd provide a public service by giving tourists a full rundown on how to handle the Metro like a veteran. Pass this URL to anyone you know who's planning a trip here soon, and after memorizing this list, your pals will be so with-it and slick that even D.C. residents will look around for the Secret Service entourage they'll expect your buddies to have!
Without further ado ...
My Invaluable Metro Travel Tips!
1. Before leaving home for the station, pour an entire bottle of your favorite cologne over your head. Make sure your Wind Song stays on everyone's mind. And on their nasal passages. And maybe even on their clothes, if you bump up against them.
2. Bring along the biggest duffel bag, tote bag, or backpack you can find. All the important people have them. Stuff your bags with whatever old clothes, books, and bricks you have cluttering up your houses. You don't have to carry anything you'll actually use -- just having one is the important thing. You can keep them on the seat next to you on a crowded train, or position them on the floor for maximum aisle blockage, or "innocently" bonk seated passengers in the head with them if you're forced to stand. The bigger, the better!
3. Make a huge, ostentatious show of harrumphing and shoving your way down the escalator, past all those lowly, out-of-shape fools who prefer to stand still. You could just take the stairs in stations that have a plain old staircase next to the escalators if you were really in such a ripping hurry, but then people wouldn't realize that you're a very important person heading to important places, which gives you license to be a rude, impatient jerk. So shove away.
4. Once you've fought your way down the escalator, suddenly remember that you might not have enough money on your farecard to get where you're going. Stop right in front of the escalator and pull the farecard out to check.
5. Push, push, push to get on an already-overcrowded train. Don't believe the conductor who will plead over the intercom that there's another train right behind this one. Stick your oversized bag, or random body parts, into the closing doors if you have to, but get on that train. Remember, you're the most important person in the station. You can't drive that point home if you don't inconvenience as many people as possible. Wait for another train? Wait? You!? I don't think so.
6. Sit in the "Priority Seating for Elderly and Disabled" seats if you're neither elderly nor disabled. Stare off vacantly into space if an elderly or disabled person gets on the train and is forced to stand.
7. Let heavily pregnant women remain standing, too.
8. If the train is already standing-room-only, then be sure to stand right in front of the doors, even if there's plenty of space in the middle of the train. It's a wasted trip if you haven't forced at least one lowly worm to squeeze around you to get off the train.
9. Parents, see those metal bars running along the top of the car, and from the roof to the floor? Some thoughtless passengers hold on to them, but they're actually monkey bars Metro provided to entertain your children! Encourage your kids to swing from the ceiling bars or pretend to slide down the "Batpole".
10. Chew gum really, really loudly.
11. Bring along a newspaper, sit in an aisle seat, unfold the paper so it takes up lots of room, and then look irritated when your seatmate needs to get off the train before you. Act all grumpy while you're folding the paper back up.
12. Leave the newspaper all over the seat and the floor when you get off the train. But only the boring sections that nobody wants to read, like "Thursday Virginia Homes." Or the "Money" section of USA Today. Or the entire Washington Times.
13. Instead of actually getting up to let a seatmate get off at their stop, turn sideways and let the person stumble their way past you. I mean, standing the whole way up is just SUCH a pain, isn't it? Especially after all that running, pushing and shoving you did to get on the train.
14. Eat something stinky, like Doritos or pork rinds. Get crumbs all over the place, and drop the bag on the floor. Yeah, there's some stupid rule about "No eating on the subway", but so what?
15. Fart. Especially if the train's really crowded and there's no escape for anyone else.
16. See someone cute, but don't want to ogle them openly? Study their reflection in the train window instead. You can have a long, leisurely, lustful look, and they'll be none the wiser.
17. Teenagers: Whatever you do, be sure to do it at the top of your lungs. Turn your Discmen all the way up to ten. If you're traveling in a pack, make sure each one of you takes up two seats apiece by propping your feet up next to you. Then yell real loud, back and forth. Don't just laugh -- shriek. Curse a lot, too. Look around intently at other passengers to make sure that everyone understands that you don't care what they think about you.
18. Carry on a really loud conversation with your companions, especially if it's about a very personal topic, and look pissy if strangers appear to be listening to you.
19. Did you reach your stop? Show your friends how totally kewl you are by running up the down escalator on your way out. Nobody in the history of Metro has ever thought of doing that before. You're such a wacky free spirit -- Jim Carrey and Robin Williams better watch it if you ever make it out to Hollywood!
20. Don't believe the station attendant when he tells you that there aren't any bathrooms in the station. That's what the elevators are for. Why do you think they all smell like that? (Warning: "Getting the Metro Attendant's Attention" is a game best left to advanced travelers only.)
Think you can remember all that? Super!
Of course, there's probably one last hint that would put some of the local cranks right in their place: The next time you're touring our fine city and hear a local make some snide remark about stupid tourists, turn around, look them straight in the eye, and say, "Look, asshole -- with the way your government mismanages your money, people like me are the ones keeping this place afloat. Like you've never made a mistake while visiting another city? Get over yourself -- traveling in a strange city is intimidating enough without the locals getting a colossal hair up their asses about it."
Bob Levey will probably end up writing a column about you, and how rude tourists are in general (at the same time as he's poking fun at the way you guys dress), but at least you'll know you've spoken the truth.