"Your Beauty Diary" Dissected. (5/30)

Did teenage girls in the early 60s ever come out of the bathroom?

A few months ago, my mother and I spent an afternoon exploring a huge antique market on the Eastern Shore. While hunting through a book stall, I found a teen beauty book from 1962. It's titled "Your Beauty Diary," and on the inside front page, it reads, "Beauty by Babs Lee, noted author, lecturer, fashion consultant and former Beauty Editor of VOGUE Magazine." There's a little more information: "Publisher: Personal Products Corporation, Makers of COETS Quilted Squares." (Hope you were paying attention, because that proves significant later on.) Something about the book was irresistably cheesy, and I bought it. I swear that I'd had the idea to do an eventual page about this book long before I discovered James Lileks' Gallery of Regrettable Food, which takes a similar approach to old cookbooks.

I often hear clothing designers, fashion writers, and other fashion-and-beauty-oriented types lamenting that people today (and women in particular) generally lack the glamour, style and elegance of bygone days. That's undoubtedly so. And after reading "Your Beauty Diary," I can assure you that there's a very good reason why -- what woman these days has the time? Read on, and you'll see what I mean.

The Beauty: What Has She? Babs starts off by sharing with us the things that set The Beauty apart from everyone else. Babs doesn't waste anyone's time with that "Beauty comes from within" or "It's what's on the inside that counts" bullshit. Uh-uh. The Beauty's assets all come from without. "She looks proud and assured, without arrogance. This comes with a belief in yourself and your looks." (Hm. I honestly believed that my frosted blue eyeshadow and Cleopatra eyeliner from 9th grade was a really bitchin' look, but I don't think my confidence convinced anyone else.) None of The Beauty's assets is particularly difficult to achieve; as long as your hair, teeth, skin, hygiene, posture, make-up, nails, body, and features are all perfect, you've got a chance of being a Beauty. So balance that book on your head (an honest-to-god tip from the book to improve your posture) and walk around a bit, and then read on.

Putting On Your Face. Makeup is The Beauty's best friend. Slapping on some foundation and powder with your fingers will not cut it for The Beauty. Making up your face takes a lot of careful work and study, as I learned when I found the section intriguingly titled "How to Find Your Face." How do you find your face? I was disappointed that "Look in the mirror, idiot" wasn't the answer.

Instead, you should "Wrap a towel around your head so no hair shows. Starting with a perfectly clean face, take a cream foundation make-up base and cover your face and neck, lips, brows, everything, until you look like a piece of modeling clay." Now, go outside the house like that and give the sweet old lady next door a heart attack. Just kidding! "Now, study your face. Study its bone construction, its shape. The idea -- how to learn how to make each feature count in fuller value -- never to exaggerate but to enhance." Oh.

Making each feature count in fuller value (whatever the hell that means) requires the proper tools. According to Babs, you'll need a brush, a pencil, and tweezers for your eyebrows, a brush for your lips, and a similar brush for your mascara. You'll also need eyeliner and COETS quilted squares. "COETS are quilted squares ... do not drip or 'wad up' when wet ... perfect as fresh powder puffs or for applying fresheners, nail polish remover, and lotions." Here, Babs. Have a bag of money. COETS are the most consistently mentioned beauty tip throughout the book.

The Beauty Never Lets Her Guard Down. Going swimming? No problem. "Apply foundation. Use a touch of cream rouge on the cheekbones, put on eyeshadow. The go over face, neck, and eyelids with COETS Quilted Squares moistened with water ... This sets your makeup. Add powder and water-proof mascara. Your basic make-up will remain intact all day." There's just nothing COETS can't do, huh? Except that I'd think wiping a dampened cotton square over my face would smudge my makeup, instead of setting it. I guess that's why I'm not A Beauty.

Confined to a hospital bed? That's no excuse to slack off, missy. What if you're sharing a room with A Beauty, and a cute, young, single doctor comes in? Ignore that IV in your arm and any lingering injuries or illness that put you in the hospital in the first place, and get with the program. Here's what Babs has to say about hospital glamour: "Spray your hairbrush with cologne before nightly brushing ... helps remove oiliness, adds gentle fragrance. Wear a soft pink lipstick, hold your hair back with a pale pink velvet ribbon (avoid shiny satin ... you're not a candy box)." (No kidding. It really says that.) "Spray your pillow-case with your favorite fragrance ... helps remove hospital odors, makes sleeping more pleasant." More on Babs' fragrance fixation in a minute.

Got a cold? Tough. "Keep a tiny tube of lanolin available to soothe that red nose." Okay, that makes sense. But the next suggestion doesn't: "Wear your pearl choker back-to-front; pull red rose through clasp. Paint toenails gold." When I have a cold, the last thing I want to do is paint my toenails. But when I do it, I've been painting them blue. And I just wear my favorite pendant every day, without a rose. Maybe that's what I've been doing wrong.

Fragrance and You. Babs is downright terrifying on the subject of perfume. As far as I can tell, this book wasn't sponsored by Chanel or any other perfume companies, so this particular fixation was coming straight from the heart. Be careful to select a fragrance that's just right for you, she advises, and then "Apply perfume at the elbows, wrists, back of knees (to avoid that embarassing "knee odor" problem, I guess), behind the ears, the nape of the neck, and on the top of the head when you go dancing." To asphyxiate your dreamy date? Babs is just getting started.

Here's one of her tips for staying cool and Beautiful on hot days: "Pat cologne all over you after your bath ... it will impart a delightful fragrance to your lingerie and clothing (and the entire household or office) and its freshness will make you feel cooler. Put more cologne or a light perfume on COETS (cha-ching!) and tuck it in the neck of your dress or carry it in your purse as a sachet." Well, this seems to be the one beauty tip that a lot of women even today follow pretty religiously, judging from the times I've nearly been gassed by a perfume fanatic on the Metro or an elevator. Babs plugs the virtues of perfume one more time at the end of the book: "You've learned ... how perfume announces your presence and makes people remember you after you've left." Yep. If you've been dousing yourself in it per Babs' instructions, no doubt you have, all right. "Ugh. Remember that girl at the party who soaked herself in 'Giorgio'? Man, I couldn't get that stink out of my clothes for days. *sniff* Hey, wait a minute ... oh no ... IT'S HER, and SHE'S HEADED RIGHT FOR US!"

I also learned in the "Beauty on a Pretty Cooling System" section that I probably stand no chance of becoming A Beauty. Why not? "Hold on to your temper. A serene, relaxed frame of mind keeps you cooler." D'oh. If you've read my site at all, you already know it's too late for me. Another random "Keeping Cool" tip I liked was "Keep legs smoothly de-fuzzed," as though that 1/8-inch of hair growth between leg shavings could cause overheating.

I could go on, but I think you've got the idea. Well, one more thing that particularly amused me -- Babs is big on you having your own dressing table to keep the thousand or so tools you need to be a Beauty well-organized, and so you have a good mirror to sit in front of for hours while you're trying out all her makeup ideas. Can't afford a snazzy dressing table? Build one. All you need are "Lumber; Nails; Paint; Hammer (duh); Fabric; Contact paper or wallpaper, and (this was set off on its own line) A helpful MALE (relative or beau)." I guess Beauties aren't supposed to waste too much time doing men's work. That's not Beautiful.

There's more in the book about party hints, and dieting (of course -- Beauties at the time were neither too fat nor too thin, this being the pre-Twiggy era), and etiquette, and working on your speaking voice, and trying a cute look with blue and green mascaras (sounds fetching). I could continue on and on with the snide comments, but this piece is already long, and besides, I wouldn't be being totally honest.

I'd love to say that I never fell for any of this nonsense, but then I remember myself as a teenager. I'd buy copies of "Seventeen" and "Young Miss" ("Sassy," in its early and non-sucky incarnation, wasn't around quite yet), and I'd examine all the makeup tips, such as the natural look that took a half-hour to apply. And I'd believe. I'd really think that applying the right Cover Girl blush or eye makeup would transform me into Christie Brinkley or Brooke Shields. I really thought it was that easy. And I really thought that it was what mattered the most about me. Even when I went into my rebellious "I don't give a fuck what people think" stage, I still expressed it with things like black eyeshadow, pink hair streaks, and enough eyeliner and blue nail polish to trigger fights with my dad.

That probably helps to explain the pull the book had on me. Well, that and the quaint tips about things like parties from decades past. Kegs and beer bongs are not among Babs' recommendations for a really great bash, in case you were wondering. Nor does she have any helpful suggestions about how The Beauty goes about concealing a hangover face. But there's a little bit of Babs in me, whether I like it or not. She's around even now, when the fact that I rarely get carded anymore drives me to the Estee Lauder counter, believing that one of their expensive preparations will give me back my 18-year-old face. I can laugh at "Your Beauty Diary" all I like, but somewhere inside, Babs and her descendants still have a hold on me.

Next: The original owner of "Your Beauty Diary" speaks!

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